I cried myself to sleep two nights ago. I felt like everything was failing and I found out how helpless and alone I truly was. In my frustration, I spoke to the only One that is always present to hear me when I cry.
“Why are things feeling so unbearable now? Why is this happening to me? I know I’m not entirely good, but why do I have to keep depending on other people? Why? Why?? Why???” I didn’t get an answer there, and I already knew I wouldn’t. One thing about the times I cry to my Father is how quickly I realise the peace that washes over me. It’s instantaneous. He calms me down, and then He speaks.
This time however, He only gave me peace. He didn’t say anything. So, I went to bed.
Allow me to give you a bit of context. I have finals coming up in exactly one week. I know I’m not prepared and I’ve tried but, the semester has been so tough that I feel like I have to cover a whole semester’s work in a few days. Then, I had to empty my account last weekend for a very specific reason, which honestly annoys me because I hate being broke (who doesn’t?). The last straw was that my laptop stopped working. I had used it for two nights in a row to edit a YouTube video for someone (I do that now so hire me!!!) and I was uploading the video to the drive where it was supposed to be submitted to which was taking too long. Then, I fell asleep while doing that because I had been in school since 8 am that day, had classes and worked till 7 pm, attended Bible study and had a meeting from 8 pm to 9 pm and I started editing after that. I woke up by 2 am, only to discover that my laptop went off, but it was plugged in.
This wasn’t the first time it happened so I just closed it and decided to turn it on when I woke up the next morning and it would work. Or so I thought.
I turned it on the next morning and it wouldn’t come on. I decided to leave it and turn it on when I got to school. Still, it didn’t come on. I had a Computer Science class that day and my finals are also coming up. How was I supposed to study?! Again, the peace kicked in and I wasn’t so bothered. I actually used my phone to code in my Computer Science class. Funniest thing all year but it worked!
Anyway, it never came on again and as I got home that day, I just cried. I cried out of frustration and tiredness and realisation of the fact that this is what most adults go through when they see their lives going a different way from how they planned it. I cried because I miss my family, and I wanted to see them again so bad. I cried because I didn’t have anybody to cry to or share my issues with (maybe I do, but it was too late at night to be calling anybody).
And then, I opened my mouth and just let the words flow to the One that understands the most. I told the One who is always ready to help me when I feel down like that. And He did, because I’m writing this newsletter to you!
In the shower yesterday, He spoke. “Why don’t you make a list of all the things making you sad and put a ‘but’ beside them to see the reason you have to give thanks?” And then, I decided to do it here. I’ll make the list here, to share with you.
I haven’t studied for my finals and I had been failing one course all semester BUT I have some more time left and I still have an opportunity to pass the course really well.
I don’t have my family and I miss home BUT I have really amazing friends who showed up for me in the most unexpected way. I fought to hold back the tears when one of them gave me a hug without asking because it was honestly what I needed at that point. And I can also call my family :).
No money, BUT because everyone already knows what I say, my mum reminded me yesterday that there’s money in my future. Facts!
I’m falling behind and I feel like I’m in a haze, BUT just like the morning ends all cries of the night, my future is bright. I say it a lot, and I believe it strongly. I might not have the nicest things now and might have to be building my future myself while some others just have it set for them already , BUT it’s delayed gratification.
This semester was too much for me BUT summer is coming! While I’m still sad that I’ve never had a proper summer vacation with all the travelling and stuff involved, the thought of just ending this semester and moving on to summer, a break I’ve craved for so long, keeps me going.
Life is always going to be hard BUT God’s presence is always going to remain constant.
I hope this encourages you today. I’ll recommend you do this too because, it has really helped me stay sane and keep on moving. Quick reminder of what God wishes for us:
“Beloved friend, I pray that you are prospering in every way and that you continually enjoy good health, just as your soul is prospering.”
3 John 1:2 TPT
Let me also share these lyrics from the only song that has been on my mind this whole time, Put it on God by Limoblaze and Annatoria.
Who else, who else can I call? I'm in need of someone I can lean on 'Cause when everything else fails me Mwari makandibata that I know Ndanga ndichitsvaka an answer (ndanga ndichitsvaka) Muri kupiko Mwari? Ko Mwari ndoramba ndichichema (here?), ndichingochema? Ndichitsutsumwa I'm here to lay bare of it I put it on God 'Cause I know Oluwa is involved E no matter the challenges weh I face (weh I face) I no deh shake, and I no deh fear Many things deh sup, but I just put it on God (on God)
~It’s Shona, so feel free to translate it and also listen to the song.
This has been a very vulnerable one, but it’s necessary sometimes. God bless you and keep you and always be with you.
Till next time,
Wuraola✨.
Thank God we have a Father who is always with us.
You got this wura because God got you!
Hi Wura,
I wish I could hug you. I pray that you keep being strong. I pray for God’s love and reassuring presence to be with you. Amen